Nathaneal Pilla is a good friend of mine and he has had a difficult year. He has gone through a difficult divorce. He loved her so much but things just did not work out. He continues to be an amazing father to his son. Just recently, he lost his father. From our conversations, I can tell they were close. Please take time to pray for Nathaneal during this difficult year for him. He needs the peace and strength of God right now. I believe the funeral is on Monday.

Sad. The day I have been dreading is fast approaching. My very closest friend is moving away. It has been a tough week and it is only going to get harder. I have done a very good job of putting on a happy face though. I never act sad or discouraged when I am around them and I try to talk about all the great things they are going to get to do once they move. We talk about when I will come visit and all that jazz, but it just isn't the same.

Now, I will always have my family. Don't get me wrong. I love them with my whole heart. I would not trade them for anything. Families always keep in touch, no matter the distance.

Friends however, will the same be true. My friend has been such a major influence in my life. I spend much of my time with her and now, that is gone. It will never be the same. It totally and completely breaks my heart to know that, in 5 days, they will be gone. Ugh!! I really hope I can stay strong until they drive off. I want to leave them with only smiles to remember. But I am just so sad!

I hate change! People move, people die, jobs change. WHY?! I do not handle this stuff well.

Ok, another late night post and I am overly emotional so I am going to hit the hay. :)

I don't get. I just don't get it. Why is it that when you really, really want something, God keeps you from getting and then, when you don't care if you get it, you get it?! I just don't understand. Prepare yourselves, this is the coming from the heart of a single woman who has had it to her ears with rejection.

I was so in love with a guy. Oh, he was great. I called him, he called me. I would go to visit him and we would go swing dancing. When him and I danced, people watched. We had such a good time together. He had a thing with his nose where there was always a booger hanging out but I cared about him enough to over look that and let him know it was there. Now, if that isn't love, then I don't know what is. Well, obviously I don't know what it is. He started to call me because he really liked this one girl and she did not like him. He would never tell me her name but called me all the time to talk about her. He described her to me once and the description fitted me to a T. Well, it apparently was not me he liked.

I have not talked to him since October 2006. Kinda lame that I know the exact month huh? I was just so angry at him. I drove all the way to the twin cities in hopes to see him. I called him and told him where I would be and that our friends would be there. He said he would meet up with us but never showed. It hurt, a lot. I drive for 4 hours to see him and he cannot drive 20 minutes to meet up and see me?! We haven't talked since then.

It hurts. I really like him. I have tried liking other guys but I am constantly rejected. I have been thinking of putting together a questionaire. When a guy rejects me, he has to fill it out and tell me what I did wrong. Ok, maybe I am bordering on the line of psycho. :)

Ugh! People tell me that if I stop looking for it, then I will get it. Why can't I have it when I am looking for it? What is so wrong about that?!

Ok, it is late and I am exasperated so I am going to go to sleep.

I am alone
Here I will stay
In my home
Here I will lay
Rejected by love
Broken and shy
No light from above
But I won't die

Ah. The violin. It can be soothing and relaxing. It can make a person forget worries and be content with things in life. It is graceful and lovely. It makes me calm when I hear it. It inspires and excites. The violin is a great thing and I want to play it!

So my uncle died last night. He was 54 years old and has been in a nursing home for over 20 years. He had brain tumors and was never the same. My mom was in shock for a while but, I think, has come to grips of the situation. So far my mom has lost both parents, two brothers, one sister and an aunt that was like a sister to her. Granted, these people are in my family but not my immediate family. I don't know how I would handle losing my parents, sister, brother in law, or their kids. I hope I would handle it as well as my mom has handled her losses. She is a strong woman who has taken charge when needed but has allowed others to take the reigns during this most recent death. The situation with Danny, my uncle, is a difficult one. Since my G-ma died, my mom is/was now his legal guardian. That meant taking care of everything when it came to him. Now, it is like a burden has been lifted off her shoulders. Now, we all would have rathered a healing touch of God on Danny's body instead of his death.

I think I am finally getting my act together. I have been kind of just floating through life lately and I have noticed that this state of not caring has really effected me. I have become quite crabby and my temper flies even when I don't mean it to. Today, the Holy Spirit just really worked on me all day. I felt really, really bad about something. I checked the usual; asked my boss if I was in trouble, checked to make sure I was not over drawn in my checking account, etc. Everything was fine. So, over my lunch, I asked God why my spirit is being troubled. Then I realized. I have been running my mouth and living with a dark cloud over my head. I said things about people I should not have and have been treating people not as good as they deserve. So I decided today I would make a three-quarter-year resolution. No more talking dirt about people unless that person is around and it is just for fun. Also, I have decided I need to start volunteering time in the church. I have not been going to church as often because there is nothing holding me accountable. When I was on worship team, I had to be there every sunday and wednesday. I never missed church. Now that I am no longer on the team, I have not been going to church. Not because I think that I can only go if I am up front singing but because I had nothing making me go. My relationship with God had not been the best and it is easy to put off spending time with Him. Well, now I am volunteering in the sound booth and I am going to be there every sunday.

After lunch, my whole attitude changed. I am my old self again! I missed being this person!!

This is a post about my work friends. These are the people that I am trying to be a lite of Jesus for. Granted, I have not done a very good job as they tend to influence me just as much but I hope I make something of an impact. Hanging out with people who do not believe in God challenges me to have a stronger relationship with God. So that way, when they ask me why I am so happy or secure about death, I can tell them it is because of God.

This is Scott and Danny. They are in a relationship together but I love them so much. I have sat down and had a heart to heart with Danny about his relationship. We now have a mutual respect for each other. He asked me "Are you one of those religious people?" And I explained to him that I am not 'religious' but I do love God. I think it was a great talk!

This is my friend Colleen. I LOVE hanging out with this girl. She is so fun and very Gothic. Her and I took a trip to SF and people just stared at us. She thinks it is funny and likes to freak people out. We make fun of each other a lot and we know it is in good humor. She respects me and I respect her. She does not swear around me and I do not shove Jesus down her throat. I think that is the problem with a lot of Christians. Jesus does not belong in a person throat but should be accepted into people's hearts.